


the fear of falling apart

by orphan_account



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: M/M, Walking Dead AU, blowjob, god i hope u like it :))), oh man i love the walking dead more than i love myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-28
Updated: 2015-02-28
Packaged: 2018-03-15 15:47:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3452900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael feels the blood dripping off his hands as he falls to the ground, his hands shaking as he forces the knife further into the walker’s head. He pulls it out and finds himself crying as he stabs it again and again, his tears dripping onto the red mess of a body on the ground. </p>
<p>He reminds himself again that it’s just a corpse now, a shell of what it used to contain and he can’t recognise the face anymore, it’s mangled by the blade of Michael’s knife and he’s thankful he doesn’t have to look at what’s left of Calum after he turned as he gets up and walks away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the fear of falling apart

Michael feels the blood dripping off his hands as he falls to the ground, his hands shaking as he forces the knife further into the walker’s head. He pulls it out and finds himself crying as he stabs it again and again, his tears dripping onto the red mess of a body on the ground. He reminds himself again that it’s just a corpse now, a shell of what it used to contain and he can’t recognise the face anymore, it’s mangled by the blade of Michael’s knife and he’s thankful he doesn’t have to look at what’s left of Calum after he turned as he gets up and walks away.

 

He doesn’t bother pulling out his gun to shoot the walkers as they lunge at him, he stabs them in the head and continues walking, trying to get himself to stop crying. He needed to stop to see where the walkers were and he doesn’t know why or how the world turned to such shit but he knows he has to survive, has to find Luke and Ashton. He doesn’t know how he’s going to break it to Ashton that Calum’s gone, Calum was the only thing Ashton was fighting for and he knows Luke will be utterly crushed as well.

 

Michael is too, but he knows feelings aren’t going to get him anywhere in an apocalypse. So he shuts them down, feeling the warmth of Calum’s blood, slippery on the handle of his knife. 

 

—

 

Michael gets back to the house they’re holed up in and says, “Calum got bitten and turned, tried to kill me and then I had to stab him.” Ashton would’ve thought he was pulling a nasty prank, but his voice cracked as he said _turned_ , and Ashton can’t bear the thought of his baby as one of… them.

 

Ashton blinks slowly at Michael, then his entire body seems to drain of happiness and his eyelids flutter ad the first tears begin to trickle down his cheeks, and within seconds, he’s full out sobbing, Michael trying to get him to cry more silently because _dammit_ , he was going to attract walkers. Luke sends him a death glare, his eyes bloodshot and teary, and Michael backs off, choosing instead to aim his gun at the door of the house, mentally preparing for one of the walkers to stagger through the door. They never do come, and Michael holds his gun up until his arms get tired, and then lowers it, slumping against the wall and wondering how the fuck he’d been assigned the role as the unstated leader of their 3 man survivor group.

 

Ashton cries until he’s gasping, clutching onto Luke’s shirt, his face buried in it, and his body heaves with the force of his sobs, the smeared walker blood on his face staining Luke’s white shirt. Michael swallows hard, reminds himself he can’t feel until he knows they’re safe. He knows that Ashton and Luke are in no position to be able to defend themselves, so Michael continues to watch the door.

 

When they burst in, Michael’s taken aback, and he’s up on his feet before he even registers it, pulling Luke by the arm, and Ashton falls over, his eyes still full of tears, and he cries out for Michael. 

 

Michael looks at the herd of walkers that’ve bashed the door down, and considers running away, and he’s turned around and began to walk away when Ashton begs for Michael to shoot him in the head before he runs away, he doesn’t want to turn. They’re started to surround him, and Ashton’s eyes are bloodshot as he stares Michael straight in the eye as he tries to keep them off him, their teeth clacking together like a symphony of impending death.

 

Michael’s gun is aimed at Ashton, his finger on the trigger and suddenly the gun feels heavy, he feels like it’s the first time he’s got it in his hands. Luke watches in horror as the walkers advance on Ashton, and Luke’s hand lunges out to push the gun out of Michael’s hand, and the gun goes off, shooting a walker in the shoulder. They turn to look at Michael, staggering towards him and Michael yells at Luke to run, and Luke’s still got a death grip on his hand that’s holding the gun. Michael shakes Luke off him and shoves Luke away, raising his gun and shooting at them, and he knows Ashton’s managed to get himself together to shoot at them. They’ve managed to kill about 30 and they don’t stop coming. Michael hears Luke scream, and turns around to see him pinned against a wall by a walker, and he’s struggling to push it off him. Michael pulls his knife out and stabs it in the head, feeling the blood splatter against his skin, warm and he feels oddly satisfied.

 

The gunfire from Ashton stops, and it felt like silence after hours of blasting loud music through headphones, eerily silent except for the occasional grunt of the walkers. Michael turns around and Ashton’s frantically pulling the trigger, coming up empty every time and Michael’s got maybe 7 bullets left for a herd of 20, advancing on Ashton, mangled skin and putrid flesh. He can’t afford to waste any more bullets, instead opting to yell, “I’m here!”

 

The walkers turn and begin to stagger in different directions, towards all 3 of them and Michael remembers he has a knife and goes all hardcore like he used to do in video games, except he couldn’t respawn if he got bitten. It’s harder than it looks, requiring a lot of force to pull it out of their skulls and he’s got maybe two down before one is opening its mouth to bite into Michael’s flesh just centimetres from him.

 

He’s struggling, pushing his arm against the walker’s neck as his legs shake, and he turns his head to look at Ashton and Luke and he sees Luke coming towards him with a knife, and suddenly there’s a knife blade near his eye, because Luke shoved the knife through the back of the walker’s head, the blade protruding from its eye. The knife is pulled out with an awful squelch and an even worse squirt of blood from the wound. It splatters into Michael’s face and he blinks rapidly, coughing. By the time he’s got his mouth open to thank Luke, Luke’s gone and he’s taking the walkers out one by one.

 

Michael’s never seen Luke kill a walker that horrifically before, his expression stony as he pulls them towards him by the hair and shoving a knife through their heads, rendering them powerless. Michael’s pulled back to reality by a walker fumbling at his leg, and he holds its head down with his foot, and his knife is embedded in the walker’s head.

 

“We have to go right now,” Michael says, a drop of walker blood trickling down his forehead.

 

“Luke’ll go with you, leave me here,” Ashton mumbles as he cradles his head in his hands.

 

“You can’t stay here, the walkers will get you.”

 

By now Ashton’s stopped listening, and takes Michael’s gun, removes a bullet from the gun and loads it into his own, and the gun is at the side of his head now, the gun pressing into his temple.

 

Michael’s arm reaches the gun too late, and the trigger’s pulled.

 

Michael flinches, preparing for a gunshot to ring out, but he doesn’t hear one and he notices Ashton’s gun has the safety on.

 

Luke rushes to Ashton’s side and pries the gun out from his fingers, and Ashton closes his eyes, breathing heavily as he mouths Calum’s name, and Luke is holding onto Ashton’s arm, and they all gather their things in silence. They walk out of the door and into their car. Michael notices how Ashton’s clutching onto a ring, staring at it as Luke pulls out of the driveway and they’re on the highway again, driving past abandoned cars and walkers emerging from the woods surrounding them.

 

They end up in a clearing in the woods and the best Michael could do was walk to the nearby stream and get some water. Ashton frowns at the sight of Michael with nothing in his hands except a water bottle and Michael’s sick of it, knows that Ashton’s going to get himself killed soon enough if he keeps being so vulnerable. Michael knows that maybe someone out there’s found a cure and it’ll reach them soon enough, they’ll be okay and the world would be back to normal, but with a smaller population and Michael thinks that’d be better, less pollution and all.

 

“Do you have anything?” Ashton asks.

 

Michael sighs and says, “Tomorrow.”

 

Ashton’s tongue darts out to wet his lips, and Michael wants to cry, he feels bad because Ashton and Luke have put so much trust in him and he’s not feeding them dinner. Michael goes back into the small tent they nicked from a camping shop shortly after the government collapsed. Luke’s lying still and staring at a bug on the side of the tent. Michael lays down beside Luke and can smell the dried blood on his shirt, a metallic smell that Michael as he gently taps Luke’s shoulder.

 

Luke turns over to look at Michael, knife ready to stab if he was a walker. Luke visibly relaxes, and Michael’s pulled into a hug, Luke’s fingers tangled in the fabric of Michael’s shirt. Luke’s clutching onto him like he’s seeing Michael for the first time in years, and Michael feels Luke’s tears seeping into the fabric of his stained shirt and Michael doesn’t know what to do, awkwardly patting Luke’s back. He hasn’t done this since the world went to shit, holding Luke like this. 

 

Luke blubbers about Calum and his arms are around Michael’s neck, holding on tightly and Michael feels like he can’t breathe because _god_ , no matter what happened he knew that Luke would do anything to keep Ashton and him alive and okay and Michael feels horrible for always ignoring Luke and focusing only on survival. He’d been so obsessed with living that he’d forgotten how to have an actual life outside of killing walkers and gathering supplies.

 

He realises then that he could do it, keep Luke and Ashton by his side as he survives the apocalypse. 

 

—

 

Michael’s eye is swollen, his body is hurting all over and he’s losing blood, his head bleeding. He doesn’t know where Luke is, where Ashton is and it’s all he can do not to lose consciousness, staring up at the rapidly darkening sky and his vision is clouding at the edges. He wonders if this is it, this is where he dies. 

 

He reaches out for his gun, and realises it’s not with him, and he shudders. He’s afraid he turns and goes for Ashton and Luke and he knows that if his turned self headed for Luke first, Luke wouldn’t be able to kill him and he lays down and sucks a shaky breath in. Then black.

 

“Michael, please!” Michael can hear now, and he feels pain shoot through him as he’s roughly shaken by the shoulders. His eyes open slowly and the first thing he sees is Luke shaking, breathing heavily and he looks so flustered. His lip is bleeding, and Michael lifts his hand to hold Luke’s, to anchor him.

 

Michael knows Luke’s lost without him and even when Michael’s hurt he knows Luke needs him more than ever. Luke’s terrified, fingers cold and fumbling to slot in between Michael’s and Ashton emerges from the woods then, his body covered in blood and with a black eye. Ashton’s doing marginally better than them, obviously being able to fight back. His knife is dripping blood on the ground and Michael stares at the dripping, calming him.

 

They’re all injured and Michael’s sure he just wants to lie down in the grass and maybe never get up again. 

 

Ashton catches a few fish from the stream nearby and they cook them, eat slowly, Luke’s wincing as he eats and there’s a nasty bruise forming on his jaw. Michael knows they’re dead if walkers find them, but he’s hungry and just focuses on eating. Ashton’s expression is stony and he’s chewing rhythmically, occasionally stopping to spit a fish bone out and it seems oddly quiet without Calum nagging at Ashton to chew with his mouth closed. 

 

—

 

Luke is shooting, firing at random at walkers as they go, and Michael wonders how he changed from a boy that could barely go a day without breaking down to someone who could kill without remorse. It’d been a year since Calum died and Ashton was still moody most of the time. Luke’s been needing Michael less and less and Michael feels incredibly upset as he looks at Luke, strong and could probably handle it all on his own without Michael and Michael needs Luke to need him.

 

He’s got nothing to live for without Luke needing him.

 

He wonders when he started thinking like that, and wonders how long more it’ll take for a mad scientist to come up with a cure, even though the chance of that happening was dwindling by the day. They’ve all changed in the span of a year, Ashton distancing himself more and more. 

 

The apocalypse ruined them and Michael knows that if a herd of walkers were swarming them, Ashton would be the first one to run. 

 

—

 

Michael wakes up one day to find Ashton hanging from a tree, a rope necklace on, thrashing wildly as he reaches out to Michael, jaws snapping viciously and it’s Luke that puts the bullet through Ashton’s brain. It’s Luke that unties Ashton, lays him down on the ground. It’s Luke who digs Ashton’s grave.

 

Michael notices how Ashton’s finger has two rings on it, on the ring finger and it hits him like a freight train.

 

Ashton left for Calum, left Michael and Luke to fend for themselves and Michael feels sick as he slowly watches Luke lose hope in the world as well. Michael briefly considers ending it all like them, a bullet would end the nightmare that he’d been living in for the past year.

 

Luke continues to dig, not stopping for a break and sweat’s dripping off his forehead. Michael helps lower Ashton’s body into the ground. 

 

Luke walks away after he shovels soil and dirt onto Ashton. He walks back into the cabin they found last month. Michael follows, and hugs Luke from the back just before Luke opens the door. Michael’s shrugged off, with a harsh jerk of the shoulders and Luke mutters about how it’s not safe outside.

 

That night, Michael lays down beside Luke and tries to fall asleep, but he can’t forget how Ashton looked swinging from the tree and he wonders where the giggly boy from before went. He looks to his left and Luke’s eyes are closed, but he’s not asleep yet, some things never change. Luke’s still as bad as he was before at pretending he was asleep. 

 

Michael snakes an arm around Luke’s waist and it feels right, they fit together like puzzle pieces. How the tables have turned, Michael needs Luke more than ever and all Luke can do is hold him, but somehow it’s enough and Michael finds himself leaning in for a kiss. Maybe it’s because he’s desperate, hasn’t kissed anyone since it all went to shit, only gotten off once or twice.

 

Maybe it’s because he just needs something to pull him back to harsh reality.

 

Luke’s hands move to cup Michael’s face in his, and they’re pushing their lips together, forcefully like it’s oxygen and they’ve been held underwater for a minute. Michael’s fingers are tangled in Luke’s hair and they do that for a while until Michael feels himself fattening in his pants, and pulls away as fast as possible, cheeks flushed and lips slightly sore. 

 

Luke looks at everything except Michael, and eventually he turns over, and Michael’s left facing Luke’s back.

 

Michael falls into a fitful sleep and he dreams of what the world used to be.

 

When Michael wakes up, Luke’s still sleeping beside him and Luke must’ve turned over in his sleep, because his face is dangerously close to Michael’s. Michael looks at Luke for a while, and presses a small kiss to the side of his lips. He feels Luke smiling slightly under the soft press of his lips. 

 

Luke must’ve gotten a burst of confidence then, because he flips himself over and he’s hovering over Michael, arms pinned to either side of Michael’s head, and he’s going slightly cross eyed as he looks at Michael, because they’re so close and Michael nibbles on his inner cheek, staring up at Luke and they’re kissing again. 

 

It’s just like last night, and Michael knows it’s real now, for sure. It wasn’t just a dream last night, because now they’re doing it again when the sunlight’s filtering through the boarded up windows and Michael feels Luke everywhere, as Luke’s hands trail all over his body. Michael shudders and he feels like Luke’s hands are burning him, he’s hypersensitive to every sound Luke makes, every little sigh breathed into his mouth.

 

Luke’s lips detach from Michael’s and move to suckle on Michael’s neck instead, leaving a trail of red marks behind as he changes the area he’s sucking on once in a while. Michael’s head is spinning and he’s gripping onto the sheets hard, bunching them up under his fingers. 

 

“I could blow you, you’d like that wouldn’t you?” Luke asks.

 

Michael nods frantically and it’s all he can do not to come on the spot because of what Luke’s said.

 

Luke gets Michael’s dick out and he spits in his hand before giving it a few pumps, and Michael’s forgotten how good it could feel and he feels his heart pounding, threatening to burst right out of his chest and his breathing is picking up and he’s sure he’s going to come in the next minute like a 14 year old that’s never had a hand on his dick before. Luke opens his mouth, gets ready for it and Michael can feel his warm breath on his dick and he wants to cry because _goddammit Luke, get on with it already._

 

When Luke actually starts, Michael’s choking on his own spit and he’s trying to keep quiet, letting out little moans when Luke’s tongue flicks over the tip and Luke reaches out to push Michael’s hands into his hair, and Michael feels Luke’s mouth go slack, and Luke looks up at Michael with eyes filled with tears about to spill over. Luke nods once at Michael and Michael understands then, Luke wants him to fuck his mouth and Michael is sure he’s in heaven.

 

He hasn’t felt this normal since it all began. 

 

He pushes his hips up, his dick further down Luke’s throat and keeps it there, chokes Luke a little and feels the muscles constricting around his dick and that’s it for him, he comes in hot strings down Luke’s throat and Luke takes it like that, swallows it down and sucks lightly as Michael rides his orgasm out, and Michael pulls out, his hand reaching to help Luke out.

 

Luke bats his hand away and insists they sleep some more.

 

They do.

 

—

 

Michael’s hair has grown out its natural colour and Luke’s stubble scratches Michael when they kiss, but Michael’s happy and even though they’ve lost hope for a cure, they’ve got each other and Michael couldn’t be more thankful. They’re out one day looking for supplies, they’re running low. There’s only so much a few cans of food can do until two boys are hungry again.

 

The stores are empty as usual and Luke begins filling his bag with food, as Michael keeps watch and prepares to shoot any walkers he sees.

 

One of them end up grabbing Luke by the shoulder through a shelf and Michael sees it happen right in front of him, Luke’s pulled down by the walker and his shoulder is bitten. Michael takes a while to respond as Luke screams. Michael shoots the walker but misses the head, and it turns around slowly to attack Michael as well. Michael’s holding it off him as he reaches out for his knife, shooting a walker this close to him would deafen him.

 

He struggles for a while and eventually stabs it in the head and it falls to the ground with a thump and Michael rushes over to Luke, and Luke’s breathing heavily, blood flowing out of the bite wound and he opens his eyes to look at Michael and he cries then, and Michael’s reminded of how Luke used to depend on him so much, and it’s deja vu as Luke holds Michael close and cries. 

 

Michael knows it hasn’t changed, they haven’t changed. They’ve needed each other from the start and Michael can’t imagine not having Luke. 

 

Michael’s going dizzy, a headache settling in and the reality of the situation hitting him. He’s losing Luke. Luke’s breathing gets laboured as Michael holds him, holds on for dear life, and he knows that Luke is his everything and there’s nothing left without Luke. Luke stares up at him and Luke pulls his own gun out and the barrel of it is against his temple. 

 

A tear slides down Michael’s cheek and he slowly pulls the gun away from Luke.

 

“Not til the end, baby.” Michael says, running his hand along the side of Luke’s face and Luke nods. Luke’s hand slides into Michael’s and Michael squeezes hard, he’s losing his love. 

 

“Promise you’ll shoot me.” Luke gasps out, body burning. Michael stares at Luke, and he nods.

 

Michael holds Luke until Luke’s eyes flutter shut and Michael believes he looks beautiful,and he’s beautiful even when his teeth are sinking into Michael’s flesh.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope it doesnt seem rushed it kinda was anyway pls leave comments i need to know if its good or bad u know im 100% chill with negative feedback also i cannot write smut to save my life thank u i hope ur not too emo about this


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